Search:10 Questions to Ask... (Continued)
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Question #3: What are your expectations?
I think all adoptees create a fantasy about birth parents, whether we are conscious of it or not. When I was growing up I would bounce between two extremes. On the one hand I thought I must have been a princess and my birth parents were royalty. MY older sister would tease me and say, "Yeah you always were a princess-spoiled!" On the other hand I thought maybe my birth mom was a prostitute. I thought what if they did give me up because they did not want me? I simply did not know.

Question #4: Are you ready to confront your adoption?"
When I went to Korea for the first time I was forced to confront my own adoption. No longer could I pretend that I was not adopted. I was returning to my birth country. One of the reasons I delayed going to Korea was because of my fear of how my parents would feel. I feared that if I met my birth family, the only parents I knew might feel I did not love them. I did not want my reunion with my birth family to negate the years of nurture given to me by my adoptive parents. On the night before I left for Korea I sat with my parents on our back patio, my fears locked in heart. And with a few simple words my Dad dispelled my worries by saying, "We always knew we had family in Korea." They accepted my Korean family as they had accepted me 21 years ago. There was no competition for my love.

Are you ready to confront the knowledge about your past? For many adoptees the years prior to our adoption are masked in mystery that we fill with out fantasies. I ended up learning about the circumstances of my birth and I was not born a princess. My birth mother had been a prostitute. She had also been orphaned when she was nine years old, lived with an aunt until she was twelve and survived by sheer will on the streets. She loved my birth father who took her away from the brothel. They gave birth to me and he promised to marry her, but never did because Korea law forbade couples with the same last name to marry. When I learned this I had to struggle with how this information fit into my life and defined who I was.

Question #5: Are you ready not to be in control?
I think those who have embarked on a search can attest to the roller coaster ride of emotions. You will not be in control. Currently there is not simple way of finding birth parents. Many agencies are not required by law to give adoptees information about their birth. There are ethical issues about birth parents rights to confidentiality, which adoptees must respect. You may initiate the search, but most people find their birth parents through sheer luck and kindness of strangers, not through careful planning.

Once I arrived in Seoul I was definitely not in control. I could barely ask for a glass of water. I had to rely on strangers and new friends to help me navigate through the foreign culture. When I had made arrangements with the Director of my orphanage, I only thought that I would be meeting my birth father. I had not heard anything about my birth mother and simply assumed I would never meet her. When I called the Director two days before our appointed meeting he suddenly informed me that he had found my birth mother. I was shocked. I could barely digest the news while I agreed to meet her as well.