Search:10 Questions to Ask... (Continued)
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Question #8: Are you able to respect your birth parents and their culture?
I t was easier for me to relate to my birth father's family. They were a solid middle-class family. My half sister was going to college and my half brother would follow. However, my birth mother was very poor. Her three children barely finished high school, and she continued to work long hours in a factory. Her home was a simple two-room shack with a tin roof and outhouse.

On one of the last nights I was in Korea during my second visit, I took my birth mother out to dinner. I told my friend, who was Korean American, that I wanted to give her some money. He looked at me and said, "You can't!" I did not understand. She was poor and I had a good income. He could not explain why but was adamant that I should not give her money. I thought he was being crazy. We went to a kalbi, or barbecue, restaurant which is an expensive meal in Korea.

My birth mother could barely look at me. She said, "What kind of mother am I who gets taken out by her own children?" She was so distraught that she could not pay. Before us was a wonderful meal and all she ate was a bowl of rice with water. And that was when I understood. I could not disrespect her. I had to respect her dignity and her culture. I had to respect that she was my birth mother, even though I had no memory of her. And I understood why I could not give her money. Parents give to their children, and even though I was an adult, to her I was still her little daughter. As we departed I allowed her to press a few Korean won, or dollars, into my hands.

Question #9: Have you thought about life after the reunion?
Often the focus on a search is on the quest, but the true journey begins after you meet your birth family and are left with the question "Now what?" Are you going to continue this relationship? Or are you satisfied with the reunion and do not wish to have further contact? If your birth parents are poor, do you feel an obligation to maybe help them? Will you try to travel to Korea once a year? Will you send gifts for the holidays and remember birthdays? You have traded in your fantasies, your dreams and imaginations for reality and after the reunion you will not be able to simply tuck these people back into the furthest corners of your mind. You have seen their faces, you know who they are, you have seen their lives.

Meeting your birth family may answer some questions but in reality raise far more questions. The search is only the beginning of the journey. Life after the reunion will be a far longer road to travel.